20.04.11

Everytime I see this video clip, it reminds me of him. I can't help it. Even if I like the song for the song itself, but it makes me think of him and what could have been between the both of us if we were still together.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YtzsUdSC_I&feature=share

Watching the video clip, yes...it makes sense. How a simple decision can change your life. In a big way. Just one simple thing that has been said and done can change the course of your future. But the clip and reality are two very different things altogether. You can never return back the past and change it so that it will turn out better for you. Instead, you live with the decision of today with no regrets but with a lesson learnt.

I made my decision from the start to give him the benefit of a doubt. But yet, with my decision to give him a chance in the beginning was not appreciated. Benefit of a doubt. Oh how I hate that term. Yes, I still live with some regrets of yesterday although I know there is no point in regretting.

But I am learning everyday to forget the hurt and pain. I don't hurt as much as I did 2 months ago but sometimes when the mind wanders, thoughts of him run through my mind. The pain of broken promises, of what could have been and the pain of being cheated, lied to and being made stupid makes me grow cold and hard. I don't want to feel that pain, 'cause I know this pain can cause a person to go mad. Think thoughts that are not relevant. Thought no one will ever think of really.

Although 2 months has passed, I still remember what I told him that day in a letter. I told him I wished he never did this to me, but we can't change what has happened. Although I was hurt, and sad I wished him the best in the future, in his life and with this girl. That is best I could do in that emotional turmoil of that fateful day.

Today would have marked our first year anniversary. That is the reason why thoughts of him haunt me both when I'm awake and when I'm asleep. But I have moved on. I wouldn't have done this without the help of the many people who took the time to listen to me, to talk to me and to just let me cry my bloody eyes out that week. Without their advise, I would still be stupidly in love with him believing his lies again and again. But I still do have love for him. Tell me, how can I forget my first love? Nope, no one can do that.